《以前》



以前，
你們不會說以前。...



以前，你們不會有太多爭拗，
不會有太多對峙。
以前他不會遲覆你的短訊，
不會只回覆你一個單字。
以前他有空時就會主動找你，
不會讓你總是空等，總是憂心。
以前，你們常常都想見到對方，
只要一有空，就會約會，
但現在即使有空，他也不會想來見你；
以前你們見面，他都會對你微笑，
不會像如今一副無奈的疲累模樣，
讓你覺得，彷彿自己是多餘或累贅，
讓你覺得自己變得不再重要。
以前他會說你是最重要的，
如今他連這句話都不願再提，
甚至是，連其他的話也不想再講。
以前他會明白你的沉默，
不過是想要得到他的更加著緊，
他也會花心機去陪你說話、去逗你笑，
直到你的陰霾消退為止；
但如今你們兩人像是參加了沉默競賽，
大家比拼誰更加委屈、誰更加無奈，
只是最後無論誰贏了，你們都筋竭力疲 ......
以前他會欣賞你所做的一切，
不管是你偶爾的任性、還是你可惡的習慣，
他都會包容他都會在乎，
但來到這天，即使你變得更完美，
即使你對他越來越好，
他都會找到你不對的地方，
總會說，以前，
你不是這樣的 ......



以前，
你很快樂、自信，
很有自己的個性，
總能夠給他意料之外的驚喜；
你簡單的一句說話，
就能讓他展顏歡笑，
你就似是一個魔術師，
每次都能夠輕易解開他的煩惱，
總能夠明白他心裡所想，
你的微笑可以讓他溫暖安心，
跟你在一起，他感到無比的輕鬆自由，
你們的心靈默契得連彼此都驚訝，
連旁人都羨慕，
他相信，你就是他想要在一起的人，
一起同步、一起白頭 .......



但來到這夜，
你已經不懂再笑，
你們漸漸不再同步。
你的追貼，讓他感到過份緊張，
他的嘆氣，讓你覺得不被重視。
然後，你說他以前不是這樣的，
他也說你以前不是這樣子，
似晦氣，但也殘酷，
彼此都用昨天的美好去比較今日的痛苦，
來傷害對方，來折磨自己，
但你們卻又太清楚這個現狀，
你知道，你們是已經再也回不去以前 ——



以前，
他是這麼地喜歡你，
你們的天空蔚藍無暇；
但如今你看著他，他看著你，
無聲的空氣藏著分不清的對錯糾纏，
你們覺得彼此都不再一樣，
他已不是以前的他，
你也不再是以前的你，
以前 ......



你漸漸沒有勇氣再提。

{until tomorrow}




I don't know what I am doing in a relationship when I am constantly thinking of the possibility of breaking up.

I am not happy.

YOU are not happy. You are intrinsically unhappy. Yes, you are street-smart, you are athletic, you are good from a technical and hands-on approach. But you are a self-centered, unhappy, negative jerk.

Nobody has any problems with me, but the one I keep trying to please is you. In your eyes, I am always just not good enough. I am dumb, weak, stupid, slow. You enjoy putting me down. You fan your own ego by putting me down. You make me look inferior and less better than you.

And that's how I really thought that I am not good enough. I always try to be better in your eyes. I try so hard to please you and make you happy. I want to turn the cold nonchalant unimpressed treatment into warmth joy and pride. I gave in; I lowered my dignity despite my heart desperately shouting out not to.

In my mind, I reasoned that if I can make you happy, you will give me love, and I will be happy.

That thought was never attainable. Unreachable.

I felt like a sucker.

Now I know. I will never get happiness from you, because you don't have any to share. You are filled with unhappiness and negativity, and it is your forte to transmit that. I don't have to try so hard to please you; why the fuck am I trying so hard to please you! THE PERSON I SHOULD BE TRYING TO PLEASE IS MYSELF! NOT A NEGATIVE LITTLE MAN LIKE YOU.

When I am really upset, and I try my utmost best to convey the message to you, there is not a tinge of empathy or willingness. Just emptiness and at best, a sigh. There is not even a fucking ACT of pretending to care.

On a good day, the best you can do is smile and say "beautiful" or "pretty girl". You think it makes me happy. Being superficial needs no pretence and that's what you are. Shallow.

Sometimes, you use your act of bullying or name-calling to show your love. When used appropriately, yes they can be cute and endearing. But over-doing it at the expense of my happiness is simply just putting me down to make you feel good for loving me. And to have control and dominance over me. For that's what unhappy people do - they physically conquer because they are incapable of true happy emotional connection.

Stop being unhappy. Stop trying to use your street-smart, athletic and technical skills to condemn others so that you can appear to be better. Stop your anger issues. Stop your insecurities. Stop spreading unhappiness. Stop living in your own world that we are going to get married.

{until tomorrow}