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Friday, January 23, 2015

Still not too late@2:18 AM

Tomorrow, we are going to talk. He finally took this step.

Will he open up?

How will it end?

I sincerely and genuinely pray that it will be us going CG together, instead of me staying at home.

Us = enlightened him + positive me

If Your plan for us is not to walk down this journey together, please let us know. It's still not too late.


{until tomorrow}

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Back then@9:09 PM



只是最後無論誰贏了,你們都筋竭力疲 ......
你不是這樣的 ......

一起同步、一起白頭 .......

你知道,你們是已經再也回不去以前 ——

以前 ......


{until tomorrow}

Friday, August 22, 2014

Unhappy little man@11:45 PM

I don't know what I am doing in a relationship when I am constantly thinking of the possibility of breaking up.

I am not happy.

YOU are not happy. You are intrinsically unhappy. Yes, you are street-smart, you are athletic, you are good from a technical and hands-on approach. But you are a self-centered, unhappy, negative jerk.

Nobody has any problems with me, but the one I keep trying to please is you. In your eyes, I am always just not good enough. I am dumb, weak, stupid, slow. You enjoy putting me down. You fan your own ego by putting me down. You make me look inferior and less better than you.

And that's how I really thought that I am not good enough. I always try to be better in your eyes. I try so hard to please you and make you happy. I want to turn the cold nonchalant unimpressed treatment into warmth joy and pride. I gave in; I lowered my dignity despite my heart desperately shouting out not to.

In my mind, I reasoned that if I can make you happy, you will give me love, and I will be happy.

That thought was never attainable. Unreachable.

I felt like a sucker.

Now I know. I will never get happiness from you, because you don't have any to share. You are filled with unhappiness and negativity, and it is your forte to transmit that. I don't have to try so hard to please you; why the fuck am I trying so hard to please you! THE PERSON I SHOULD BE TRYING TO PLEASE IS MYSELF! NOT A NEGATIVE LITTLE MAN LIKE YOU.

When I am really upset, and I try my utmost best to convey the message to you, there is not a tinge of empathy or willingness. Just emptiness and at best, a sigh. There is not even a fucking ACT of pretending to care.

On a good day, the best you can do is smile and say "beautiful" or "pretty girl". You think it makes me happy. Being superficial needs no pretence and that's what you are. Shallow.

Sometimes, you use your act of bullying or name-calling to show your love. When used appropriately, yes they can be cute and endearing. But over-doing it at the expense of my happiness is simply just putting me down to make you feel good for loving me. And to have control and dominance over me. For that's what unhappy people do - they physically conquer because they are incapable of true happy emotional connection.

Stop being unhappy. Stop trying to use your street-smart, athletic and technical skills to condemn others so that you can appear to be better. Stop your anger issues. Stop your insecurities. Stop spreading unhappiness. Stop living in your own world that we are going to get married.

{until tomorrow}

Monday, January 20, 2014

Annual entry@2:40 AM

Just realised that I update my blog once a year. I would periodically remember the existence of my blog at the beginning of each year, do an update, then wipe it off my mind until the next year. Funny how the mind works.

This year I am 26. No longer early twenties; no longer young adult. How should I review my life?

Think I'd rather not.

Too much to type; too insignificant to broadcast; too sensitive to reveal; too heartbreaking to mention. People disappoint me. Makes me want to just concentrate on myself and my own life, which I usually do not.

F**k all that. As of now, I just want to be a perfect daughter to daddy. Please let him win the battle over C.

This song. The emotions. Somehow, I feel that there wasn't a proper closure between him and me. Or will there ever be one?

Should I return to blogging?

{until tomorrow}

Friday, February 01, 2013

@2:54 AM

One year later. One year wiser.

Reading my last entry, I told myself 2012 would be a better year, a life-changing year.

Life-changing; yes, indeed. Better; that I don't think so.

No maater what, 2012 has come and gone. "Look ahead, let the past stay in the past", as most people would say. I am trying.

Fantastic things have had happened in 2012 - I travelled halfway across the globe and visited the states, took my Advanced Open Water, attended a yacht wedding that witnessed the matrimony of my dearest mentor and her loving husband, did my Lasik Surgery, have a room which I can finally call mine, revamped this room of mine, ran my first ever half-marathon at SCM, and gain a few friendships. These people came into my life for a reason, and definitely changed my life for good.

Of course, nothing is all good in the world. We wouldn't be able to appreciate the good things in life should there not be unhappiness. My losses, hopefully, will not end up being real losses. It hurts so badly, deeply, unknowingly, silently, and I never want to feel that way again.

Dear G, there is so much I want to tell you, but the words are stuck, the emotions hidden. Sometimes I think to myself, why can't I just drop the mask, and face you? I guess I didn't want to face the truth that I have lost you for good. Because the truth always hurt.

Dear W, you once mean the world to me. Yet, I hurt you. I destroyed my world. Now, I don't have the right and courage to put you into my world anymore. Thanks for putting me into yours.

I once told a friend that 2012 is the worst year in my life. Let it be, nothing can be worser now.

2013; you better be better. I better make you better.

{until tomorrow}

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Reflection on twentyeleven@1:57 AM

Twentyeleven is the year of many firsts for me. Jotting them down in this post to eternalise them:

1. Suffered a major fall in my humble bathroom while doing a stupid thing. Lost my sight temporarily for awhile. Appreciate my vision more than ever since then.

2. Competed in my last HO with Spectrum, as a much-reluctant top flyer. Got third. But what I'm most proud of is not letting my team down.

3. SuperStar Virgo - my first ever cruise with the boyfriend.

4. Graduated from NTU SBS. Second upper honours. First and last time.

5. Grad trip - visited multiple parts of Taiwan with 9 other awesome people.

6. Embarked on my career with Advisors' Clique, Great Eastern.

7. Got drunk for the first time at St. James PowerStation and my friends had to send me home :X

8. Clubbed a lot for the first time (does this count??) - Arena (Halloween), Butter Fact(!!!), New Asia Bar.

9. Cable-ski for the first time at Batam. Still falling all the time. Gonna master it if I have the chance.

10. Involved in a wedding as a Jie Mei for the first time. MORE MORE!

11. Bought my first ever Life policy for myself.

2012 will be a better year; a life-changing year.

{until tomorrow}

Thursday, December 22, 2011

@12:23 PM

I don't need you to respect me.
I don't need you to prioritize me.
I don't even need you to consider my feelings.

I just humbly ask that you always put yourself in the shoes of others, and consider how you will feel in that situation you just put others in.

Thank you.


{until tomorrow}

Sunday, November 27, 2011

@1:01 AM

Rough seas make tough sailors.

{until tomorrow}


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