{until tomorrow .

@7:58 PM

frustrating...
i hv no idea wads wrong with me recently.
i worry about all sort of things.
to some, it may be the smallest things.

i worry abt my appearance.
my hair, the texture, the feel, how to prevent my fringe from covering my eyes while i'm growing it and i don't want to pin it up cos i look like a geek.
my skin, the dryness, the oiliness, the goddamn pores, fucking freckles, eye bags, cracked lips, hateful ugly facial hairs, irritating pimples which can't be seen by others but i can feel them.
my figure, the fats on my cheeks, arms, thighs, calves, butt, hip-sides, tummy. i fucking know that many many people hv super stubborn buldging tummies which refuses to leave no matter how much exercise or how little we eat but i cant help but envy others which have the flawless body rid of excess flabs that every woman does not mind dying to have. people with lanky and slim frame wearing whatever goddamn ahma clothes, mismatched in the most absurd way and still look good because they look hawt. the body that will never ever be laughed at. never ever be told to 'lose some weight'.
i'm fed up of having to eat and feel very guilty. its a mental torture. every single day, i think abt how much i've ate, wad i shld or shld not do so i can slim down. i keep reminding myself to stick to a low fat low carb high protein diet but how can i do that when my family or fren decided to pop by at mac or kfc or some eat-all-you-can buffet. its a torture tt every mouthful of food i swallow down looks like lumps of fats to me. i dread at the thought of going out with my frens. i realise the only way to slim down is to be very anti-social, shut indoors.
i look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think that i look normal, jus abit imperfect. i look at magazine stands, advertisements, posters screaming out at me that i look totally outrageous. mass media effect probably...but it got me real bad. i think abt joining yoga class, going for gym sessions, taking slimming pills, liposuction, using whatever rubbish flabeloss or igallop. but where does the money come from?

yes, i worry about money.
how broke i am. how bad i am at saving money. how much i like to buy. and how fucking wasteful it is to spend on fucking stupid things like food and travel when going out with frens. i realise the only way to save money is also to be anti-social. going out means spending money. and ppl say 'there are no ugly women in this world, only lazy women'. oh yea? i think it shld be 'there are no ugly women in this world, only penniless women'. i sometimes wonder if i will have enough money for my education, my campus life, my future.

future, i worry tonnes about it too.
i'm scared that i wont have a good career. i'm scared that my degree lands me nowhere, that i'll end up with a pathetic job paying me a pathetic salary which barely covers my three meals. wad if i fail in my education? wad if i dont suceed in my career? does the world need bio students with a normal degree that can be found commonly along the street? do i have the capability to carry on with a Masters then a PhD? will i regret my decision in choosing bio? how much will i be able to earn in future to feed my parents, and my kids? will i have a happy family? will my husband love me for who i am, regardless of how fat i become?

i'm tired, very tired.
tired of having to please others. to look perfect according to their standards.
tired of always having to take into consideration how others think of me.
tired of pretending i am happy and i dont give a damn.

i mean, i'm STILL NINETINE!! in my youthful yrs!!! i shld still be enjoying my innocent carefree lovely trouble-less time in this degrading world. why shld i worry abt image issues,money issues or how i will spend my remaining dying days...

i think i need counselling. but i'm sick of ppl telling me
'u look ok, veron'
'dun take things so hard'
'there r ppl who look far worse than u'
'those models are unhealthy. its more important to be healthy'
'dun care abt how others think of u'
'u're born like this, there's nothing u can do it change it'
'you must accept urself for who u r'
'have confidence in urself'
OH SHUT UP

i've heard all this like tonnes of hundreds of thousands of times. and i'm immnue. yes, prob i need to find back my long-lost-gone-into-hiding confidence. its been cruelly separated from me.

i'm not normal.
i'm not in the right state of mind now.
maybe to u, this post is extremely rubbish and silly.
maybe, just maybe, not much ppl read this anyway.
so leave me alone
to cry

{until tomorrow}