{until tomorrow .

@11:39 AM

When i was young, Grandma was the one who looked after me and sis when dad and mum was out at work.
She would cook for us, coax us to eat, feed us personally when we refused to eat and follow us with the bowl in her hands as we run about everywhere around the house.
She'll tell us to go and bathe, clean us up and even stayed outside the toilet to accompany us when we were shitting cos we didnt dare to stay in the toilet alone.
She makes sure we sleep cosily and peacefully before she gets her rest.
When dad and mum scolded us, she'll defend us and protect us from the scary canes.
When sis and i quarrelled, she'll play the mediator and reconcile us.
She knew she couldn't speak chinese properly so she tried very hard to learn chinese from us. When we wanted to learn hainanese, she taught us patiently. I've never felt that i couldn't communicate with her when all my older cousins felt it was difficult to talk to her.

Not once did she raise her voice at us. Not once did she hit us.

All i remembered from my younger days was her unconditional love, immense patience and overwhelming care.

Then, i grew older and she stayed over at my place less frequently. Everytime she leave my house, i would feel very sad and wished that she'd come back soon. As the amount of time she spent at my house gets lesser, the less sad i felt. Eventually, she no longer stays at my house. We no longer talk as much and we were not as close as before. To sum it up, we drifted apart.

In sec school, she fell sick and mum wanted her to stay at our house so she could take care of grandma. She continued to take care of me just as how she took care of me when i was younger. But this time, it was different. I found her to be very naggy, and i secretly wished she would stop asking me so many qns. I didnt take the initiative to talk to her like i used to.

Then, mum decided to sell grandma's house and let her stay with us for long term. I was in JC. Everytime i wanted to go out, i would try to do it quietly lest she start nagging at me again. Everytime i came back home, i would try to avoid her in case she start to talk about unrelated and repeated things again. My answers to her became shorter and shorter, and sometimes, even in an irritated tone.

Sometimes at night, i would turn to my side and look at my grandma sleeping beside me. I realised that she looked different. She's much older, haggard, weaker. She's no longer the same grandma that can look after me and sis energetically. I began to realise i haven been noticing her, talking to her, and taking care of her just like how she took care of me. But when i woke up the next morning, nothing changed. She continued to care for me, i continued to ignore.

I went on to university and moved out. On weekends when i return home, grandma always ask a lot of qns and say a lot of things which i dont understand and dont bother to. I always try to talk to her for awhile and when i felt that the conversation was going nowhere, i'll end with an "orh, i'm going to bathe."

She's very old now and there are certain things she shouldn't do and should just leave it to us. Sometimes when i see her doing some chores, i would get pissed off and tell her to leave it to me or mum. One reason is becos her movements are no longer as flexible, another is becos she'll end up making things worse. But i noe that after i leave the kitchen, she'll start finding things to do again. And thats because she's lonely and has nothing to do. We can't expect her to sit all day and daze.

Deep inside, i know i shouldn't be treating her that way. I knew i had to do something about it. Sometimes, i would tell mum how i feel that i wasnt talking much to grandma and i didnt know how to communicate with her. Mum told me to keep trying. Weekends after weekends, nothing much changed. I'm angry with mysef for not knowing what to do. Weekends after wekends, i would ponder over the same thing.

When i went to wee keat's house, i see how he can communicate with his grandma with ease and i feel very envious. When jieying told me how she was very close with her grandma, i desperately want to be like her too.

Honestly, i'm very scared. Grandma's very old now and we never know when that day will come. At first i was worried but wasn't really bothered by it very much....Until that day i went to Jieying's grandma wake. I'm seriously very very scared. Now grandma's okay, but who knows when something unfortunate will happen.

It has been a long time since i made her smile. It has been a long time since i had a meal with her. It has been a long long time since i gave her a peek on the cheeks.

I dun wan to regret not cherishing her when she is healthy now. I dun wan to feel remorseful in future for not doing things that i could have done now.

People always advocate "Cherish your loved ones before they're gone." How many are only good at saying it rather than doing it?

After this post, i wonder if anything will change come this weekend?

{until tomorrow}