I don't know what I am doing in a relationship when I am constantly thinking of the possibility of breaking up.

I am not happy.

YOU are not happy. You are intrinsically unhappy. Yes, you are street-smart, you are athletic, you are good from a technical and hands-on approach. But you are a self-centered, unhappy, negative jerk.

Nobody has any problems with me, but the one I keep trying to please is you. In your eyes, I am always just not good enough. I am dumb, weak, stupid, slow. You enjoy putting me down. You fan your own ego by putting me down. You make me look inferior and less better than you.

And that's how I really thought that I am not good enough. I always try to be better in your eyes. I try so hard to please you and make you happy. I want to turn the cold nonchalant unimpressed treatment into warmth joy and pride. I gave in; I lowered my dignity despite my heart desperately shouting out not to.

In my mind, I reasoned that if I can make you happy, you will give me love, and I will be happy.

That thought was never attainable. Unreachable.

I felt like a sucker.

Now I know. I will never get happiness from you, because you don't have any to share. You are filled with unhappiness and negativity, and it is your forte to transmit that. I don't have to try so hard to please you; why the fuck am I trying so hard to please you! THE PERSON I SHOULD BE TRYING TO PLEASE IS MYSELF! NOT A NEGATIVE LITTLE MAN LIKE YOU.

When I am really upset, and I try my utmost best to convey the message to you, there is not a tinge of empathy or willingness. Just emptiness and at best, a sigh. There is not even a fucking ACT of pretending to care.

On a good day, the best you can do is smile and say "beautiful" or "pretty girl". You think it makes me happy. Being superficial needs no pretence and that's what you are. Shallow.

Sometimes, you use your act of bullying or name-calling to show your love. When used appropriately, yes they can be cute and endearing. But over-doing it at the expense of my happiness is simply just putting me down to make you feel good for loving me. And to have control and dominance over me. For that's what unhappy people do - they physically conquer because they are incapable of true happy emotional connection.

Stop being unhappy. Stop trying to use your street-smart, athletic and technical skills to condemn others so that you can appear to be better. Stop your anger issues. Stop your insecurities. Stop spreading unhappiness. Stop living in your own world that we are going to get married.

{until tomorrow}